Excerpts from a letter…

“The Secret”

Dear Mom and Dad,
           
            I’ve started this letter umpteen times over the last few years.
            I want to begin to explain some things to you – reasons for a range of behaviors, such as why I physically and emotionally distanced from my “birth” family and why I don’t share much of my children’s life with you.
            Some horrible things happened to me as a child. I couldn’t tell you then. I haven’t been able to tell you as an adult either because I wasn’t sure of your response. Also, I held you partly responsible for what happened.
            So, I controlled what I could – I distanced and I held back.
            I’ve put off telling you for about thirty years. I wondered if you would believe me. I worried about the effect on your health. I feared I might lose your love – for even when I held you to blame, I knew you loved me and that was too important to risk.
            I needed to tell you now to let go of the last piece of shame. I need to find out how you’ll respond now so I can decide what kind of relationship we can have.
            My becoming pregnant for the first time – the pregnancy that ended in a miscarriage – was a disaster for me emotionally. It opened up a floodgate of memories of my own childhood sexual abuse. I felt intense panic that my own child would experience the same thing and that I wouldn’t be able to protect her – after all, I hadn’t been protected.
            Those abusive experiences effected all areas of my life – how I see myself; my relationships with family and friends; marriage; parenting.
            A couple of years ago I told my sisters about my experience. I decided to tell them in hope that they would believe abuse does happen by anyone, to anyone – not only by “others” to “other people.” I hoped that the knowledge would help them consciously make efforts to appropriately protect and believe their own children.
            I can tell you about this now partly because I finally feel I have the support to handle any response. I’m also learning that I don’t always have to keep the strong, responsibly façade on – that the very confused, needy child in me is still there and has a right to be nurtured, even as an adult. I know that I was in no way at fault, yet I also know that it is difficult for some families to place the blame where it belongs.
            I’m angry that I didn’t have the opportunity to hold the offender who abuse me responsible for what he did – for he is the one who is responsible for a great deal of pain – to me, and, to you.
            I’m furious that a person I trusted and cared about used my trust and hurt me so deeply.
            It’s a long process healing from the scars – I’m making it, with the help of many others.
            Please don’t ask anyone else questions about this. I’d like to answer your questions. Please respect my request.
            So, now it’s out – my secret. It should have never been mine in the first place.